Today I want to talk about conflict not because I just randomly choose a topic out of the hat, neither was because it is a comfortable topic to deal with. In fact, it is quite discombobulating for me for a number of reasons 1. I’m in love with the idealistic phenomenon of harmony at all times; 2. conflict usually means there is opposition somewhere. But thirdly and most importantly, I hate conflict because my response to it when it affects me on a personal level is usually to walk away without making any form of compromise. So rather than dealing with the issue to the very end where they may be a common ground, I walk away early because I refuse to compromise and by extension, deal with the pain of any arguing that may ensue.
Now if my walking away happens once then it is probably ok. However, you know you have a problem when a clear pattern is detected and whether it is a problem or not, others may perceive it to be. You see I was always one to, as my late grandmother would say, ‘cut off mi nose fi site mi face’. In other word I can be very stubborn even to my own detriment. This is because I've had to learn how to stand up for for right from a very early age.
Recently I was placed in a situation where there was conflict arising from an agreement. Although the terms in the contract seemed to support my case, there were some grey areas, making room for compromise which made me somewhat uncomfortable as I really believe in standing up for what I believe in and of course, have no intention of 'settling'. Of course my first instinct was react in manner that is typical - to walk away because things were not going the way I would want them to. But I have had to stop and make a quick assessment of what has happened overtime. I said to myself, “if persons were to be asked to give a summary of me, I would probably hear, “Oh Heneka is one that will walk away when things are not going her way or it’s either her way or the highway.
I found myself cringing at the very thought of such label. I took an introspective look and decided it was time for a change. I started searching for ways to deal with me; to identify how best to deal with conflict going forward. From my readings online I have gleaned 7 strategies to help me settle disputes quickly and amicably. I will share these with you.
1. Remain calm. Be still and say nothing. Let the storm run its course. Often times the angry person wants to provoke you. Arguing is ineffective because it raises barriers and that’s the last thing you want in a situation of conflict.
2. Let the other person do the talking. He or she will soon grow tired of it. Sometimes that’s all they want. To be heard. To feel important. Everyone wants to feel important; to be affirmed and respected. Some people just express it in ways that are counterproductive.
3. Genuinely consider the other person’s point of view. Imagine yourself in his shoes. Never say “you’re wrong.” In fact, try hard to look for areas of agreement and build on them.
4. There’s power in the words “Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re saying. You mean…….” This shows the other person you hear him/her. That’s all they usually want — to be validated. By agreeing with them, you gradually break down the other person’s anger.
5. If the situation turns verbally abusive, put a stop to it. Firmly but calmly state: “You’re very angry right now and you’re saying things you don’t mean (give them the benefit of the doubt). I’m going to excuse myself. We can talk again after you've calm down.” Then leave the room or ask them to leave.
6. If you are wrong, quickly admit it and take responsibility. You could say, “You’re absolutely right, it is my fault and here is what I’ll do to fix it.” Even if you’re NOT wrong, at least give them the benefit of the doubt, “I may be wrong, let’s look at the facts together.” It’s hard to argue with that!
These words have tremendous power. Not only does it validate the other person’s viewpoint but it also diffuses the tension. You might be surprised by what happens afterwards. The person could end up defending you. You’d be amazed how an attacker suddenly becomes an ally.
7. Use the power of visualization. If you’re dealing with someone you interact with on a daily basis (like a boss or co-worker), try to imagine that person as a loving spiritual being.
So the next time you find yourself being in a situation of conflict, remember these points so that both parties will walk away feeling more confident and affirmed.
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