Memoirs Of A Disaster

September 12, 2012 will mark the 24^th anniversary of the visitation by Hurricane Gilbert.  Only 11 years old at the time, the memories still linger as if it happened only yesterday.  Interestingly, and in retrospect obviously naive, I was looking forward to seeing this hurricane with great anticipation, not having ever witnessed one before; I wanted it to hit the island so desperately. It was a longing I had to see for myself what a hurricane was like, a longing that could only compare to the one I usually get at Christmas time when it was time for new toys.  When I expressed this to my grandmother, and the other adults around, they would say something to the effect of, “yuh a young bud, you nuh know storm” (they weren’t lying, I really didn’t). After that sermon, they would share their horror stories of the destruction that Hurricanes Charlie of 1951 and Allen in 1980 brought.  Still that did nothing to wane the desire to experience firsthand what a hurricane is like.

On Being Black

“Up, up you mighty race you can accomplish what you will”! – Many decades after Marcus Mosiah Garvey made this declaration, many people of colour still struggle to overcome a deeply rooted feeling of inferiority, feelings that are apparently coupled with being of African descent.  It is ironic that even as Jamaicans celebrated black history just last month many still grapple with what appears to be the unfortunate reality of being black.  The intense debate continues publicly and in private over whether the longstanding practice of skin bleaching should be banned. There is the search to discover the underlying reasons for, and the consequences of people resorting to what is nothing short of a drastic measure for acceptance and to be part of the in-group.

To Be Or Not To Be...

The year 2000 was the year when all hell would break loose. The Y2K bug would create a grand computer glitch and all computerized systems would come to a halt. Even non-digital documentation was to be affected. The world as we know it would never be the same again.  Since we have become so dependent on this form of technology, the impact would have been severe, hampering global production and trade.

Strength In Times Of Weakness

Sunday, 9^th January, 2011 is a day that will long be remembered as part of my spiritual journey.  About two weeks before, the church’s fellowship to which I belong learnt that that day will be commemorated as Young Adults Sunday.  This usually means that the ‘choir’ will be led by that group.  This seemed a bit sudden. Later in the week I learnt that the entire service will be planned and conducted by this group.  All including the president seemed a bit panicky. She wanted someone to lead.  Usually I would rise, jump even to the occasion.  However, leading meant I would have to do the prayer of adoration, confession and thanksgiving – I would have none of this. Are you crazy?  In public? Don’t get me wrong, I’m very much used to praying - only in small groups and when I’m alone with my Lord, Creator and Friend.

Shattered Hopes, Broken Dreams...Restoration

 The effect of child abuse is lasting.  The feeling of despair never goes away.  Marie was 29 years old when she admitted that she still bawled her eyes out every time she remembered how she was treated as a child.  She was only nine years old when her obviously sick neighbor began fondling her.  He started on her breasts then worked his way to her pubic area.  This continued for years as her forty something perpetrator brain washed her into thinking they were in love.  Her caregivers and other neighbors soon discover what was happening.  Rather than doing all they could to protect her, they lashed out, blaming her for what happened.  By 11 years old Marie had already started having sex; for God’s sakes, she was only a child.  Where were the adults who should have been keeping her safe?   Marie recalls members of her family planning to give her a proper beating.  How could she do such a thing? She must have been very ‘bad’ to allow this to happen.

Soon she was all the people in the small district could talk about; she grew up with a significant amount of shame and disgrace.  Marie does not remember any fingers being pointed at the sexual predator but rather she was labeled as ‘bad’. As if this sexual abuse wasn’t enough, her caregiver would abuse her emotionally simply because she thought she was ‘feisty’.  Marie says she has lost count on the number of times she would return from somewhere to find all her clothes and other belongings outside on the ground.  This would sometimes happen with her in clear view to witness this traumatic encounter right before her very eyes.

Marie remembers that the perpetrator and her caregiver became very good neighbors. At about 16 years old, she was baptized in a nearby church.  Her neighbor would still have sex with her every now and again though.  By now she had gotten used to sex, making it difficult to discontinue the act despite how grouse and disgusting it was. 

Reprieve

At age 17 Marie got a reprieve. She was given the opportunity to travel to the United States in the capacity as a camp counselor.  This lasted for 3 ½ months.  Whilst abroad, she remembers receiving a letter from the predator telling her how much he misses her.  This was her turning point. Upon receipt of the letter, Marie immediately fell sick to her stomach.  All the ‘love’ she thought they had shared, instantly turned to hatred on her part.

Being at the camp did Marie lots of good.  It seemed that it was all she needed.  She really began to transform into a new person.  She had strength, dignity, and self-esteem. She had found her true self.  When she returned home, she did all she could to limit contact with this horrible, horrible person.  She began getting more into church and staying active to avoid thinking about life in the past.  It worked.

By now Marie had grown into a young woman and most certainly began getting a few love interests.  The predator did not like this.  She had gotten more attractive and he must have thought Marie should be his for good now.  Soon he began to conjure up all sorts of lies about Marie to her caregiver.  Her caregiver was poor and gullible – she believed every word he said.  Marie’s life began to turn upside down, again. Her life would never be the same.  She was called all the derogatory names in the book – slut, whore, bitch, dog, john crow – and any other that one could think of.  This was not done discreetly either; she was always on the top of her voice.  All the neighbors, passers-by and visitors to the tenement yaad would be in ear shot of this local drama. This was terrible!

Love

At age 19 Marie had begun working and had fallen in  love shortly after a short ‘stint’ with one that broke her heart.  She moved in with him a few years after they met.  She was in a hurry to get out of the misery, to leave the shame and scandal behind. She did not hesitate when he suggested that they moved in together.  They have been together for almost 10 years when Marie shared her experience.  Her now deceased caregiver would visit regularly.  Marie would find herself being really disrespectful to her on many occasions.  She felt really badly after it happened but it is part of the baggage Marie carried arising from her unfortunate childhood.

Notwithstanding all the abuse, her caregiver had made significant sacrifices for her to accomplish all that Marie has.  She struggled, along with her grandfather, to make sure Marie’s school fees were paid, that food was on the table (or floor), so she was never truly experienced hunger; there were clothes to wear, even if it meant getting second hand from politicians, etc.  In short, they were poor but she managed through whatever means to make sure Marie achieved an education.

Marie would never abandon her caregiver, but really found it difficult to love her the way she should.  The pain she felt is all too great.  All attempts to discuss the past with Marie’s caregiver failed. She maintained that she did nothing wrong, that she did what she had to do for Marie to “turn out to something good”.

Absent Parents

To make matters worse, Marie’s parents were never around.  Her mother gave birth to her at age 16, a child herself.  She never really understood what it meant to be a mother until later in her life when she and her daughter Marie eventually developed a close relationship.  Marie was about 18 when they really started bonding.  Before that they hardly ever speak.  As for her father, she met him when she was 11 years old. Marie was at an annual Christmas treat for children at the church she attended.  A man approached the door of the church hall.  Curious, like everyone else in the room, Marie started peering through the door to see who it was.  The church schoolteacher went to inquire of the stranger to find out what he wanted.  When she returned, she called Marie and whispered that it was her father.  Anyone can imagine just how embarrassed she was to be staring her own father in the face and not knowing who he was.

Soon Marie was spending summers at her new found father’s home in the western end of the island.  She would soon realize that instead of allowing her to enjoy her summer holidays, he wanted her to be his domestic aide.  There would be a long list of things to do before he returned home from selling his wares from his van.  He still never took any interest in providing his daughter with school fees, etc.  He was focused on his family with whom he resides.  He would not hesitate however to take her around and let everyone knew that Marie was his daughter though he has no part to play in her upbringing.

Marie recounts a very painful memory of an incident with her father, one that used to really hurt but doesn’t anymore.  As an adult, she had gone to visit with him. He and his wife were having domestic issues so his wife went to stay at her mother’s house nearby for some time.  She knew Marie was at the house so she stopped by along with Marie’s little sister to talk her about what was happening.  His wife left before Marie’s father returned home. She began reading a book on the verandah.  Her father knew they had been there before because her little sister returned to the house to pick at a pair of shoe they had inadvertently left.  Her father put up his feet on an ottoman on the verandah and demanded that Marie untie his shoe; he couldn’t care less that she was relaxing and reading a book.  They look on her face changed immediately from whatever it was to a look of disgust.  The man, easily described as an ego-maniac, immediately assumed that the look was because she had taken the side of his wife from what she had told her.  He got mad; he got up from where he was sitting, took Marie’s things from the room in which she had placed them, turned off the verandah light and told her to go stay with whomever she was siding with.  He went on further to state that “Is only when oonu want sometin’ fi scrape oonu come roun mi”.  Marie thought this was ridiculous since she only knew him at 11 years old and during the time she knew him he never took any active part in her life.  Marie, in truly characteristic form retorted, “If mi did a look sometin’ fi scrape, mi woulda ded long time”.  She picked up her things and went to stay at his wife’s mother place for the rest of the evening since it was late.  It would be too much to get a public transport to return to southern parish of St. Catherine at that hour.  Marie notes that to date he has not apologized for his behaviour.

Restoration

Marie told this story over four and half years ago.  Recent contact with her revealed that she has let go of all the pain, anger and hurt associated with her childhood. Though she has faced much more pain of a magnitude that pale in comparison to those of her childhood, she has now moved on. Marie now lives a life of liberty that only comes from knowing Jesus Christ and his everlasting peace that passes all human comprehension.

Does My Sexiness Upset You?

Still I Rise

“Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise that I dance like I’ve got diamonds at the meeting of my thighs?” 

These poignant lines gleaned from Maya Angelou’s “Still I Rise” speak to the epitome of a woman oozing confidence. A day after the world's women have celebrated International Women's Day, no doubt this is the feelings that many women will exude at this time.  But “what are the attributes of a confident woman? one might asks. Countless women have undergone insurmountable struggles, turmoil and upheavals in this pilgrim called life. Some become broken by their traumatic and less than welcoming life experiences. Many are at the point of giving up or may have totally relinquished any will to survive. Yet, there are those that have exerted tireless efforts in order to assert themselves and to prove their worth.   Especially in cases where a woman has been borne into less than fortunate situations, it is fundamental that she uses these circumstances to be her motivating force in her quest for self-advancement.  Many women have used their humble beginnings to their advantage, making themselves and their families proud.  Undaunted by the things they cannot change, they have committed themselves to those that they have the ability to influence.

Trauma

A very poignant example of such a confident and exceptional woman is Margeurite Ann Johnson, internationally known as Maya Angelou.  Angelou has been a wind beneath the wings of many women worldwide.  She has illustrated discarded clay can be molded into a beautiful flowerpot.  Sexually abused at age seven by her mother’s boyfriend after her parents divorced, she has experienced many other unfortunate circumstances.  Angelou told her uncle about her sexual trauma and he subsequently killed the molester.  Angelou did not speak for five years because she believed that her words were so powerful as to cause death.    Yet, broken family, emotional turmoil, sexual abuse, teenage pregnancy, to name a few, did not prevent her from realizing her dreams.  Her repugnant circumstance became a powerful tool, through the power of words, to motivate others.  A very prolific writer, Angelou is arguably the world’s greatest female poet.

Maya Angelou

 Women, and especially black women in every sphere need to be cognizant of the fact that they have to work twice as hard as their non-black counterparts, as well as relative to men, in order to reap success.  The reason for this, black women, it would appear, face a situation of ‘double jeopardy’, being black and female. It would seem that they in between a rock and a hard place. This is the reality, harsh as it may be. Notwithstanding, women should never be comfortable to accept without question, the societal dictates surrounding them.  

Surely, I am not implying that it is only women that need to work hard in striving for their goals, and to be self-assured.  It is necessary for all, men and women alike, to esteem themselves in high regard. This is especially important for women though, as they seem to be more susceptible to pain of all sorts.

Generally, people can sense whether you are confident and as such will treat you accordingly. Women who ooze a strong sense of self are less likely to suffer emotional and physical abuse from men than those who are less confident.  It appears that some men have a type of radar capable of picking up signals that women emit, they can sense whether a woman is confident.  Some men believe they need to prey on a woman’s low self-esteem in order to affirm their masculinity.  In order for them to feel good about themselves, they abuse women whether physically, sexually or emotionally - in Jamaican parlance, ‘cow jump pon weak fence’.

It is the epitome of self-assurance when individuals are brave enough to take a stand for what they believe.  A confident man for example is able to put his ego on the line, to say, “I’m sorry” without believing that it makes him less of a man.  A woman is confident if she is bold enough to defy the Euro-American standards of beauty, to wear her hair unprocessed and to be comfortable in her own skin and not succumb to the societal pressures to ‘lighten’ her colour pigmentation.  In other words, self-acceptance is fundamental.  While it is important to put yourself together and to be your best self, a woman should not feel any less simply because she is full-figured, side, dark-skinned, and does not have the height of a runway model. 

In a woman, traits representing confidence, self-assurance, assertiveness, self-esteem, are attractive.  Some argue though that there is a thin line between assertiveness and aggression.  The reality is that however, there are not enough women who ooze a high level of self-confidence, not enough women who feel like they’ve got ‘diamonds at the meeting of their thighs’.  As a result, they settle for less than they deserve while allowing others to dictate their path.

Sexy

Being sexy is not just about the natural, physical endowment of turns and curves. Women endowed with these characteristics however should celebrate these features rather than apologize for the way they are.   The ability to do this is indeed beautiful.  Being sexy certainly is the ability to let your inner person radiate onto the outside.  The ability to love another human being in as much the same way you love yourself is attractive.  So is the ability to say, “I’m sorry” and mean it. Assertiveness is an important representation of what is sexy.  There should be no apology for vocalizing feelings about issues affecting their lives.

 

How does one develop confidence?  Certainly, there is no blue print to follow. However, the first step to developing a high self-esteem is to begin to love you.  If you are unable to love yourself, then surely it will be difficult for someone else to lavish affection on you.  Accept yourself with all the imperfections while not letting them be your focal point.  Surround yourself with positive people and emulate their admirable attributes while maintaining your own individuality.  Avoid those who tell you that you cannot accomplish your goals, negative energy like yawning, is catching.

The path to confidence also entails widening your knowledge base. Keep abreast with what is happening globally.  Read inspirational books, spend time with the most important person each day - God.  Respect others.  Start with these few simple things, soon you will realize that you can stand on mountains, with others looking on, wanting to be like you.