The effect of child abuse is lasting. The feeling of despair never goes away. Marie was 29 years old when she admitted that she still bawled her eyes out every time she remembered how she was treated as a child. She was only nine years old when her obviously sick neighbor began fondling her. He started on her breasts then worked his way to her pubic area. This continued for years as her forty something perpetrator brain washed her into thinking they were in love. Her caregivers and other neighbors soon discover what was happening. Rather than doing all they could to protect her, they lashed out, blaming her for what happened. By 11 years old Marie had already started having sex; for God’s sakes, she was only a child. Where were the adults who should have been keeping her safe? Marie recalls members of her family planning to give her a proper beating. How could she do such a thing? She must have been very ‘bad’ to allow this to happen.
Soon she was all the people in the small district could talk about; she grew up with a significant amount of shame and disgrace. Marie does not remember any fingers being pointed at the sexual predator but rather she was labeled as ‘bad’. As if this sexual abuse wasn’t enough, her caregiver would abuse her emotionally simply because she thought she was ‘feisty’. Marie says she has lost count on the number of times she would return from somewhere to find all her clothes and other belongings outside on the ground. This would sometimes happen with her in clear view to witness this traumatic encounter right before her very eyes.
Marie remembers that the perpetrator and her caregiver became very good neighbors. At about 16 years old, she was baptized in a nearby church. Her neighbor would still have sex with her every now and again though. By now she had gotten used to sex, making it difficult to discontinue the act despite how grouse and disgusting it was.
Reprieve
At age 17 Marie got a reprieve. She was given the opportunity to travel to the United States in the capacity as a camp counselor. This lasted for 3 ½ months. Whilst abroad, she remembers receiving a letter from the predator telling her how much he misses her. This was her turning point. Upon receipt of the letter, Marie immediately fell sick to her stomach. All the ‘love’ she thought they had shared, instantly turned to hatred on her part.
Being at the camp did Marie lots of good. It seemed that it was all she needed. She really began to transform into a new person. She had strength, dignity, and self-esteem. She had found her true self. When she returned home, she did all she could to limit contact with this horrible, horrible person. She began getting more into church and staying active to avoid thinking about life in the past. It worked.
By now Marie had grown into a young woman and most certainly began getting a few love interests. The predator did not like this. She had gotten more attractive and he must have thought Marie should be his for good now. Soon he began to conjure up all sorts of lies about Marie to her caregiver. Her caregiver was poor and gullible – she believed every word he said. Marie’s life began to turn upside down, again. Her life would never be the same. She was called all the derogatory names in the book – slut, whore, bitch, dog, john crow – and any other that one could think of. This was not done discreetly either; she was always on the top of her voice. All the neighbors, passers-by and visitors to the tenement yaad would be in ear shot of this local drama. This was terrible!
Love
At age 19 Marie had begun working and had fallen in love shortly after a short ‘stint’ with one that broke her heart. She moved in with him a few years after they met. She was in a hurry to get out of the misery, to leave the shame and scandal behind. She did not hesitate when he suggested that they moved in together. They have been together for almost 10 years when Marie shared her experience. Her now deceased caregiver would visit regularly. Marie would find herself being really disrespectful to her on many occasions. She felt really badly after it happened but it is part of the baggage Marie carried arising from her unfortunate childhood.
Notwithstanding all the abuse, her caregiver had made significant sacrifices for her to accomplish all that Marie has. She struggled, along with her grandfather, to make sure Marie’s school fees were paid, that food was on the table (or floor), so she was never truly experienced hunger; there were clothes to wear, even if it meant getting second hand from politicians, etc. In short, they were poor but she managed through whatever means to make sure Marie achieved an education.
Marie would never abandon her caregiver, but really found it difficult to love her the way she should. The pain she felt is all too great. All attempts to discuss the past with Marie’s caregiver failed. She maintained that she did nothing wrong, that she did what she had to do for Marie to “turn out to something good”.
Absent Parents
To make matters worse, Marie’s parents were never around. Her mother gave birth to her at age 16, a child herself. She never really understood what it meant to be a mother until later in her life when she and her daughter Marie eventually developed a close relationship. Marie was about 18 when they really started bonding. Before that they hardly ever speak. As for her father, she met him when she was 11 years old. Marie was at an annual Christmas treat for children at the church she attended. A man approached the door of the church hall. Curious, like everyone else in the room, Marie started peering through the door to see who it was. The church schoolteacher went to inquire of the stranger to find out what he wanted. When she returned, she called Marie and whispered that it was her father. Anyone can imagine just how embarrassed she was to be staring her own father in the face and not knowing who he was.
Soon Marie was spending summers at her new found father’s home in the western end of the island. She would soon realize that instead of allowing her to enjoy her summer holidays, he wanted her to be his domestic aide. There would be a long list of things to do before he returned home from selling his wares from his van. He still never took any interest in providing his daughter with school fees, etc. He was focused on his family with whom he resides. He would not hesitate however to take her around and let everyone knew that Marie was his daughter though he has no part to play in her upbringing.
Marie recounts a very painful memory of an incident with her father, one that used to really hurt but doesn’t anymore. As an adult, she had gone to visit with him. He and his wife were having domestic issues so his wife went to stay at her mother’s house nearby for some time. She knew Marie was at the house so she stopped by along with Marie’s little sister to talk her about what was happening. His wife left before Marie’s father returned home. She began reading a book on the verandah. Her father knew they had been there before because her little sister returned to the house to pick at a pair of shoe they had inadvertently left. Her father put up his feet on an ottoman on the verandah and demanded that Marie untie his shoe; he couldn’t care less that she was relaxing and reading a book. They look on her face changed immediately from whatever it was to a look of disgust. The man, easily described as an ego-maniac, immediately assumed that the look was because she had taken the side of his wife from what she had told her. He got mad; he got up from where he was sitting, took Marie’s things from the room in which she had placed them, turned off the verandah light and told her to go stay with whomever she was siding with. He went on further to state that “Is only when oonu want sometin’ fi scrape oonu come roun mi”. Marie thought this was ridiculous since she only knew him at 11 years old and during the time she knew him he never took any active part in her life. Marie, in truly characteristic form retorted, “If mi did a look sometin’ fi scrape, mi woulda ded long time”. She picked up her things and went to stay at his wife’s mother place for the rest of the evening since it was late. It would be too much to get a public transport to return to southern parish of St. Catherine at that hour. Marie notes that to date he has not apologized for his behaviour.
Restoration
Marie told this story over four and half years ago. Recent contact with her revealed that she has let go of all the pain, anger and hurt associated with her childhood. Though she has faced much more pain of a magnitude that pale in comparison to those of her childhood, she has now moved on. Marie now lives a life of liberty that only comes from knowing Jesus Christ and his everlasting peace that passes all human comprehension.
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